debitum naturae.

I am so tired of people telling me this. Nothing will ever get better, You can’t fix what’s broken with all the old parts and it work the same as before. Things have to be replaced. There is no one to turn to, no one who can make this stop for more than a couple hours, then I’m back in a low again. I can’t stop this. I’m at a loss. And I don’t want to be alive. Not if that means 80% of the time I want to cry and sleep, 19% is boredom, and 1% is happiness.

People just don’t get it. I’m not the type of person who can look back at things that made me happy, even if they made me insanely happy, and feel better. I have nothing I can jump into or distract myself with whenever my demons settle in. I have no sense whatsoever of who I really am or why I’m even alive. I let myself down so much, The only thing I don’t completely fail at is school. I can’t hold healthy, stable relationships; I can’t talk to my parents and my family thinks I’m strange; my friends are almost nonexistent; I’m never going to be a great girlfriend; I’m not good at anything and I have no hobbies. I disappoint myself every single day.

This isn’t a suicide letter. But it gets tiring when the floodgates open daily and I feel myself slowly killing myself on the inside. I’m not trying to sound emo. I’m twenty years old, far beyond adolescent ragefests. But I’m still sad. I’m so sad that I sometimes want to die. And nothing will ever, EVER get better..

(via unpunk)

Posted 3 months ago — 17,340 notes